By Samyukta Suresh

Each day at Monta Vista High School, it is the norm to hear blasting Bhangra music, to hear speakers from the Hindu Awareness Club, to eat hot samosas and chaat during Club Day, to perform dances and singing solos for “Spotlite”, the highly anticipated show put on by the Indian club each year. I walk into class knowing that there will be a minimum of eleven other brown skinned students to provide a security blanket. My experience growing up as an Indian American is unique… it is not the typical story of being looked down upon as a lone brown skinned foreigner in a sea of Caucasians. Actually it is quite the opposite! In Cupertino, CA not a single American Desi is ashamed of who they are. It was through my close interactions with other Indians, and reflections of successful role models from the Indian community, that I gained pride in my culture My friends and I watch an equal number of Hindi movies as we do English ones, listen to Bollywood songs alongside American music, attend garbas as well as school dances, and get as excited for Indian holidays such as Diwali, Holi, and Navaratri as we do for Christmas and Halloween. I spent my childhood in Fremont, CA- a hub for South Asian immigrants. Fremont is the type of Bay Area city in which it is not uncommon to see a greater number of women clad in saris vs. jeans. It has two Indian stores or restaurants per street, a temple, Indian beauty parlors, and a NAZ Cinema. Needless to say, I was not denied a dose of my culture while growing up. By third grade I was placed eagerly by my parents in both Bharatanatyam and Carnatic South Indian music classes (only one of which I ended up pursuing long term), celebrated festivals and holidays annually without fail, and was introduced and encouraged into the Bollywood craze by 5th grade. I spent my elementary school days in Fremont as one of the twenty six Indian students out of a class of thirty, had only Indian friends, and found it excruciatingly difficult to interact with people of any other race. It was from childhood that this complex was created, and continued to haunt me throughout the following years. My family moved to Cupertino from Fremont when I was about to begin my freshman year of high school. When I began as a freshman in a new area and school, I realized that 35% of my school consisted of other Indian students. This helped my transition, and made it much easier for me to cope in the new environment because it resembled Fremont in many ways. It was through my close interactions with other Indians, and reflections of successful role models from the Indian community, that I gained pride in my culture. Though the demographics made it possible for me to gain a greater understanding and value for my culture and maintain a connection to my Indian peers, I soon began to realize that interacting only within one’s own ethnic group has its downfalls as well as its positive points. I suffer a unique form of peer pressure- one that does not include alcohol or drugs, but instead includes intelligence and performance. As a result of being Indian and Asian-American, I am forced to live up to the stereotypes and expectations placed on me. By doing this, I am unable to display who I truly am to my teachers, my friends, my classmates, and even to myself. Surrounded by brilliant peers who excel in the subject areas of math and science, I feel ashamed of myself when my friends laugh about how Calculus AP is a joke while I struggle in Math Analysis. I feel embarrassed to admit that I do not ace Bio AP exams, that I am not taking a science in senior year, or that I need a tutor for chemistry honors. Stereotypes placed on Indian students as “brilliant” cause me to feel ashamed even of the fact that I have to study in order to succeed, versus being inherently intelligent. The fear of not meeting expectations society places on me, such as attending an Ivy League college or UC Berkeley and receiving a perfect SAT score cause me to disregard my own true expectations for myself. The Asian influence on society indirectly shapes my life and identity, leaving me incapable of maintaining individualistic goals, desires, and opinions. These feelings of embarrassment, fear, and shame leave a part of me feeling incomplete and empty. It is at times such as these that I dislike being Indian, because of the restrictions and judgments that I am forced to deal with each day. At times I have a strong urge to break free from my school, society, and peers. I dream of experiencing life in a different environment, and meeting different people who have interests similar to mine. After suffering silently from inferiority for a long time, I slowly began to reach out and develop friendships with people of other ethnicities. It was then that I began to realize how much I have in common with these friends, how our interests match, and how I feel as though I can be myself and at the same time, not be ashamed of who I am. I let go of the attachment I had to Indians, and opened my mind to accepting friendships with everyone, despite the cultural and physical differences. My experiences have shaped my personal growth in numerous ways. Although I am proud of my Indian culture and heritage, my standard answer to the commonly asked question of “What are you?” has changed from “Indian” to “A person, just like you”. Samyukta S